Elijah's Blog

A Shirt too Big

It seems as though I have recieved clothing for presents all my life that were too big. My intellect tells me that I should me grateful for the gifts. However, emotionally I react in different ways. When I was a child it was okay because I realized that I would "grow into" the clothes. However, now as an adult I continue to recieve such items.
I am starting to wonder if there is something else going on. Is my personality or persona I present to the world much bigger than I am? Do I seem bigger than I really am? Lately, I have been wondering what I am I pushing myself forward for? Do I need to improve this and that about myself? People say that self-development lasts your entire life. But, at what point do you stop making it a priority? When do you get to enjoy the fruits of your labor?
All the young people I know are preparing furiously for a tommorow; a tommorrow - where they have money, the right job, the right house or the right wife/husband.
What is wrong with dropping out? Of course dependance is not good. One has to support ones self. However, why not just make a little money and then have a good life. If there is anything that I want, it is this. I want to have people that I love around me, good food, music and nature. That is about it.
Why bother with spirtuality? If I had this....
IF IF IF IF IF IF
Could I already have this? No matter where I go. Fuck if I know. Maybe other peoples expectations of me have some how affected how I view myself. All this consideration...
There is something in this that I do not get. Why is my shirt too big? Who am I too be other than myself?

A Dream About Democracy

This is a real dream that I had a couple of weeks ago:

I was seeking something and had some time off, so for some reason I was in the desert and I ended up at George Bush's official church. There I was let out of a car and I walked up towards the door. On the pavement was some sort of checklist that I could not see clearly. Then I walked up to the door and saw a plump middle aged woman. I asked her if I could go in the church and she said "no, it is under maintenance," so I turned around to leave. Then, I saw a man approaching and a skinny young man with blond hair. I continued to leave.

As Americans, who are we?

For some time I have been reflecting on what it means to be an American (North American that is). This question has been pounded by nearly every expert and amateur imaginable.
My approach to this answering this questions is by asking two more questions that help clarify things.

1. Who are americans now?


2. What is the so-called spirit of Americanism?

Learning Kanji

Today I just completed the data files for the entire Joyo kanji list. Specifically, the data file contains only the approved readings for the kanji kentei and simplified readings. In total, 1945 characters are covered. The files are in KingKanji format and available for download here. This project of creating simplified English definitions and readings for all of the characters has taken me over two years. So, if you find these files useful, please download them and enjoy.

Terraforming Mars

Lately, I have been hearing a lot of talk about terraforming mars. People have been saying that we should make mars a habitable enviroment and then move humans on to it so that we can ensure the continued existance of the human race. Also, I have heard it said that mars is a dead planet so it does not matter what we do to it.

life

yoku mireba
nazuna hana saku
kakinekana

if you look closely
you will see the nazuna flower blooming
oh! i almost missed it!

-basho

This is my favorite haiku. For years I loved it but I never quite knew what it meant. I memorized it and said it many times, but it took a good four years or more for it to penetrate.

not very philosophical

I am back in Japan know. It feels like I never left. However, Japan is a place like that. All the patterns for ones life are set by society. So one can let ones hands go and never decide a single thing about ones life. Here, society tells you who to be, just like the USA. But is is different some how. It is hard for me to put my finger on it.

My guess is that American (including Canadian) people can be as different as they want to be externally. However, the second someone finds out about them being a truely genuine and unique person, the person often come under fire from those around them. In Japan, everyone is externally the same. They were the same clothes, say the same phrases and try to project the same pseudo-offical images of themselves. But, in Japan no ones gives a shit about who you are. All anyone cares about is that you followed the form. For instance, here all you have to be is polite, even if it is obvious that you hate the person who you are being polite to. Whereas in America people are much more fixated on what they percieve is going on in the other persons head.

I know I haven't quite nailed this on the head yet, but I will keep trying.

are we really in control

In the United States right now, the burning issue of the day has become the question regarding whether or not we should attack Iraq. Everybody has an opinion about this. Thus, making this is a very polarized issue. What I am concerned about is not the answer to this question, but rather the processes that occur in people consciousness that give this question intense emotional energy. I believe that if we back away from the issue itself and look at how humans approach issues like this we can gain some insight into the way in which groups of humans become influenced by forces completely out of their individual control.

am I alive or dead

Time is something that we cannot touch - it is not a thing. In math time is often represented as change. Objectively speaking, what is time? Outside of consciousness does time exist? What about this notion of future and past?
All we can perceive is this 'now.' Everything in our consciousness dealing with future or the past has a ghost-like quality of unreality. Even the photographs we look at seem to only be the remains of something that once existed.

1 + 1 = ?

When I was younger, I had a question. In school we learn that 1 + 1 = 2. Although we learn how numbers are added, we never learn why numbers are added in the way that they are. Nearly everyone who has been through 'modern' primary education takes this simple process of addition for granted. When I asked my teacher 'why does one plus one equal two?' my teacher replied 'because if you have one thing and another thing and you put them together you get two things.' So then I said 'yeah, but why?' At that point, I was told in a polite manner to shut up.

This question has stuck with my for quite a long time. I did not have any insight into this problem until I became involved in a conversation with a Korean girl in Japan. I told her about my question and my teacher's anwser. She then told me that one plus one does not necessary equal two. She said 'if you have one ball of mochi and another ball of mochi and you put them together you get one ball of mochi' (mochi is a compacted rice gum-like food). It is also interesting to note that a couple of years later I asked another Korean woman this same question and she gave me a similar anwser.

conflict

I am in a very conflicted - frusted state - but I feel like something is shining through. I was thinking that this blog would be pretty boring without any images. So this is me tonight after I wrote this entry.
---
Awareness is amazing. When ones leg is in pain it is nearly impossible to be aware of ones leg. However, I and most other people live our lives with very little awareness.

Often we are attracted to members of the opposite sex who possess some sort of special trait or characteristics that we find titillating without any feeling as regards their being. Often we are attracted to certain kinds of sex - fetishes - so called kink - for what reason? What does this have to do with living? These actions are not good or bad, but rather involve very little awareness.

How often are we truly aware in one day? How often are we aware of what we are eating? Or the heartbeat of a lover? How about the smell of rain? Its seems as though we are only aware when we are on vacation - that is to say that when everything is going well for us. Only then, do we have enough energy that we can reflect just a little upon our own existence.

reflections on ones own existence

I am so an utterly amazed at how much all those around me and myself are caught up in their head. Our thoughts are flowing like some sort of massive flood and we are just barely holding on to a log - almost pulled away forever into some murky depths. Wait. Even what I am writing is being processed by my intellect. But, it is some how different than the thoughts and images that possess us constantly. So I pose this question: do you remember how you got here? Reading this right now? How far back can you trace your life through your memories? Eventually you cannot remember anything anymore, right? So who are you? Are you all these thoughts? What will be left when you die? Surely not these thoughts? We were all born with nothing and we all will leave with nothing. So who has nothing? In this moment there is so much that we hold so dear to ourselves: opinions about politics, emotions about boyfriends/girlfriends, feelings of entitlement, hunger, pain, sorrow, pleasure, light, simple worries, and on and on... But out of these what can we take with us when we die? Look at all of the religions visions of the afterlife - none of them include all this crap that possess our inner lives daily. So I pose the question again - who are you?

How will you answer? Did you answer in terms of what other people say about you? Or how you think about yourself? Like some fucking personal ad? e.g. "I am a carefree dreamer who is looking for tranquility" Now, think about your answer seriously in the terms of what was there before you born and what will be there after you die. Wait, don't think - contemplate.

This is one of those questions that is always there for me. Who am I?

the first entry

Blogs (weblogs) I hear are all the rage now. However, mine is not really intended to be a journal/dairy or a political emotional recation receptical. But rather, I just wanted a place where I could ramble at length about some of the ideas/images that come through me and have people comment on those images. So if you are reading this and my posts seem a little esoteric, I am sorry. Anyways, I honestly wonder if I will use this software much at all. Oh, well only time will tell.