I am so an utterly amazed at how much all those around me and myself are caught up in their head. Our thoughts are flowing like some sort of massive flood and we are just barely holding on to a log - almost pulled away forever into some murky depths. Wait. Even what I am writing is being processed by my intellect. But, it is some how different than the thoughts and images that possess us constantly. So I pose this question: do you remember how you got here? Reading this right now? How far back can you trace your life through your memories? Eventually you cannot remember anything anymore, right? So who are you? Are you all these thoughts? What will be left when you die? Surely not these thoughts? We were all born with nothing and we all will leave with nothing. So who has nothing? In this moment there is so much that we hold so dear to ourselves: opinions about politics, emotions about boyfriends/girlfriends, feelings of entitlement, hunger, pain, sorrow, pleasure, light, simple worries, and on and on... But out of these what can we take with us when we die? Look at all of the religions visions of the afterlife - none of them include all this crap that possess our inner lives daily. So I pose the question again - who are you?
How will you answer? Did you answer in terms of what other people say about you? Or how you think about yourself? Like some fucking personal ad? e.g. "I am a carefree dreamer who is looking for tranquility" Now, think about your answer seriously in the terms of what was there before you born and what will be there after you die. Wait, don't think - contemplate.
This is one of those questions that is always there for me. Who am I?
Let us contemplate division. What makes this 'this' and that 'that'? What makes me 'me' and you 'you'? In between your body and your computer screen is air. But since air is entering into your body and leaving your body constantly - where can one draw the line of separation between one's body and the air? Or a better question to ask is what draws the line between us and our surroundings? So we can extend this. How does one go about objectively dividing what is 'I' and what is 'not I'? If one can get out of ones egocentrism for a second, I think one will see that there is nothing objectively separating us from the entire universe. It is just us who put artificial boundaries upon what we perceive in our consciousness. Where are you? Where am I? It is always in relationship to something. We say that this is 'this' but why? We say that two plus two always equals four. But it is only so if we mentally divide things. So what is doing this dividing? Is that us? Are we just a dividing machine? But wait - when one is asleep or an infant ones ability to differentiate between things is extremely limited or non-existent.
Wow. I have even nearly lost myself at this point. Are you following? Don't think. Don't say this is like such and such theory put forth by Dr. blah blah blah. This is real. Relate this to your own consciousness. Who am I?
This is real. Your death is coming. It could be tomorrow or...
Now.
Or 50 years from now.
Regardless, you will have to face it. If you were staring down the barrel of a gun right now. What would be important? Who would you be? When the bullet entered your brain and your heart stopped, where will this precious 'I' be? When your beautiful body starts to rot and turn into food for the earth, any sense or desire for money, power, sex, food... becomes completely meaningless.
So are these thoughts that consume us important? Is 'I can't believe that that asshole embarrassed me in front of my boss at the board meeting by asking questions the he knew I didn't know the answers to - just to show off my ignorance' going to really matter when you are rotting in the earth? Or how about 'this fork is not clean!'. Or the asshole who tailgated you to work. Many humans have come and gone before you. What makes you special? Many have been smarter, sexier, and stronger... Many have been stupider, uglier, and weaker... Many have lived thier entire lives in complete misery. They would have killed to have 'your aching back'. This is life in all of its organic glory. Substances are interchanged with the earth. So where are you in all of this mess? You are going to die. Soon. What are you waiting for. Live this life. Every breathe is a miracle. These thoughts will pass - if you let them. Set your sight on what is truely important.
I am out of words really. By the way, this is really not addressed to you specificly the reader, but rather to myself and humanity in general.