January 16, 2003
conflict
I am in a very conflicted - frusted state - but I feel like something is shining through. I was thinking that this blog would be pretty boring without any images. So this is me tonight after I wrote this entry.
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Awareness is amazing. When ones leg is in pain it is nearly impossible to be aware of ones leg. However, I and most other people live our lives with very little awareness.
Often we are attracted to members of the opposite sex who possess some sort of special trait or characteristics that we find titillating without any feeling as regards their being. Often we are attracted to certain kinds of sex - fetishes - so called kink - for what reason? What does this have to do with living? These actions are not good or bad, but rather involve very little awareness.
How often are we truly aware in one day? How often are we aware of what we are eating? Or the heartbeat of a lover? How about the smell of rain? Its seems as though we are only aware when we are on vacation - that is to say that when everything is going well for us. Only then, do we have enough energy that we can reflect just a little upon our own existence.
So are you aware of what repetitive patterns fuel your sexual desires? This is natural, not shameful. All beings reproduce. Only humans in our complexity have such a large amount of permutations regarding this aspect of their existence. Are you attracted to redheads? Why? Tall men? Why? Why does this feature(s) affect you in this way? After all it is affecting you psychologically, not physically. This is all images. Nothing is actually touching you. When you look at a man/woman, what makes you attracted to them?
Or are you even aware of this? Is your life being run by passing sexual titilation to titillation? Or are you forever on the lookout for "the one?" Is every person you are attracted to possessing some trait of "the one?" Or do you just settle for whoever is interested in you? Have you ever noticed we often keep choosing people with similar personalities and features for our mates, even as years go by and our lives change considerably? Why? Are you aware of this in your own life? What kind of people do you choose? How do you meet them? What do you call them? How do you end up breaking up with them?
Are you aware of how when a women or man finds you attractive and they tell you or you find out some how, how far up into the sky your ego (feelings of I am so good - I am better than others) soars. And consequently how far it is from reality (i.e. you are still the same person who two days earlier thought that you were a piece of shit that nobody wanted). Why does the opposite sex affect our valuation of self so much? Is our primitive need to feel valuable to the opposite sex so strong that we have to spend all of our time worrying about the size of our breasts/penis or enviously fantasizing about being someone else who possess the traits we lack. What is this? This is not love. Why are we like this? Why do we dress up in costumes, go to bars with music so loud that no one can hear each other, get drunk, and try to bring a person home who will boost our ego in the morning (meaning that they are more attractive than we judge ourselves to be - a good catch). Why can't we just have a good-hearted kind relationship with people of the opposite sex and have sex when needed and appropriate (not necessary only for reproductive purposes)? This entire aspect of modern man is really fucked up. What do you think? Do you notice this in your own life?
Stop masturbating to images that are not fixed in reality and experience life. Sex - food - breath - visual impressions.... From all of these things life enters our being. At the very least substances and energy enter our bodies. Lets try to be aware of these parts of life that we participate in. It might just make us a little less lonely.
Posted by Elijah at January 16, 2003 07:43 PM